Another Question of the Day

Question: Where do babies come from?

Audra's Answer: Really? Of all the questions in the world to pick from the air, the first one I thought of was this? Ok, so let's talk about it. Why can't babies "come from" a stork? I guess besides the total danger of flying a newborn high above the world in nothing but a thin piece of cloth tied up like a sling and dangling from a beak could have something to do with it. But think of how lovely it would be!

No painful birth for starters. Things wouldn't get all out of whack and never really quite get back the way they're supposed to. No feeling hungover for 4 months and going postal when you discover someone (aka husband) ate the last sleeve of Saltines after he stumbling home drunk and those CRACKERS ARE A NECESSARY SURVIVAL TOOL.

The weight gain, the endless heartburn, the insomnia, the excessive exhaustion, the fretting over the crib linens, do you get the matching bumper set or is it a waste of money (clearly waste of money since you're not supposed to use them anyway...dampens oxygen flow or some crap), do you get the glider with the rocking footstool or is that fluff like the bumpers (GO for the rocking footstool...good use of funds), the breast pump (that deserves a line of its own but for my own sanity's sake I will keep going), baby bottles, baby food (do you make your own? Hell no...), diapers...cloth or world-ending-live-in-a-landfill-forever disposables? My goodness, the list could go on, and on, and on...and it does.

But, to answer my question...where do babies come from? They ALL come from an incredible woman who's body did some crazy shit to bring you into this world. And if we moms could trade it all in for a stork delivery? I bet most of us would definitely think about it....

Cheers to all the amazing moms out there...

Question of the Day

My first "Audra's Answers to the Question of the Day" is dedicated to my Book Club...who recently just took things a little too seriously and provoked me to respond with such crap that it sparked some deeply buried creative seed that is now presenting itself. It also reminded me I have a blog. And some people actually read it. So, here goes...

Question: "How many times during a baseball game does the catcher get gassed?"

Audra's Answer:

Clearly when you are raising two boys there is bound to be an orchestra of bodily noises playing during a good part of the day. Therefore, burps and farts are just a normal part of my world. For those of you with girls, or who are just a little prudish, you may be reading this with your mouth gaped open thinking "and she seems so polite and proper to write about such things". Boy moms are all nodding with a small smile on their face.

So, with that, back to the question at hand. Baseball players are not really known for their "Emily Post-Like" manners on the field. The spitting, the chewing, the sunflower seed spitting. So naturally, bodily noises are a part of the game too. Just think of the effort a baseball player uses when he swings a wooden bat at a hard ball traveling towards his face going mach 1. It's rapid response with alot of force. He's standing with his legs spread, his bottom (we're not allowed to say butt in this house) extended, and he's exerting force. a+b=c.

Now if you think about it, there is a man squatting right behind him as all this is going on. Bless him.

And, I bet some batters just do it on purpose because there is an enemy's nose inches from his derriere.

So, to answer the question... LOTS!

And for the record, I have turned into quite the baseball fan. After totally screwing up a year ago by not wearing red on opening day, I redeemed both the boys and I this year. Cardinals attire from head to toe. And yes, that's me with some Cardinals baseball boys.