Boxed Wine

For any of you who have not discovered boxed wine, you have not fully lived. This, next to the round wheel, is probably one of the best inventions the world as ever seen. I remember when I discreetly put my first box in my cart at Target. I placed it in the cart and then quickly mounded loaves of bread, pillows, clothing, and toys I didn't need, around it. I was praying I wouldn't run into anyone I knew at the dreadfully slow checkout. Thank goodness there was no "price check on boxed wine" announcement. I definitely would have covered my face and run out, leaving my cart and a confused cashier behind. Its like buying your first box of tampons or pregnancy test.

Now, opening a box of wine is very different than opening a bottle. To the novice boxer, it can be a bit intimidating as you don't want to mess up 4 bottles worth of succulent burgundy liquid (or pale yellow, depending on your poison). I think it took me over five minutes of reading and re-reading the instructions. Poke hole. Push in. Throw away dot. Don't throw away mouse hole piece or tear off. Pull out spigot. Close mouse hole piece over spigot. Tear off miniature foil covering opening. Grab glass. Place under spigot. Push lever and watch liquid pore in. Ta-da!

Now, once you have consumed whats about four bottles of wine (this of course depends on the box size, but who wastes time on itty bitty boxes. Boxed wine is for the serious wine drinker. Proceed with caution of you "dabble" in Boone's Farm or wine coolers. This could be dangerous territory for you.) the box will appear empty. You might hold your glass under the spigot and mash down with all your might on the button only to have a small trickle come out. This is when things get serious. You now must rip open the top of the box and proceed to "milk" the bag. This will get you a whole glass of wine thus instantly curing the building rage and putting you in a happy state.

I am now a box aficionado. It takes me less than 3 seconds to pop out the hole, pull out the spigot, return the mouse hole, remove the foil, pour, and sip. I proudly place the box in my cart even at the high end stores. If I could order the box at a restaurant, I probably would. Okay, probably not, but its pretty good. Embrace the box!